the first day of spring.

I've been through some hard stuff in my life. I've been displaced and lonely during my two impulsive moves across-country. I've abandoned friends when they needed me. I've quit jobs, been in debt, seen family members get sick, and been at rock bottom with myself and those around me. During each of those events, I've thought that things couldn't get any worse. I feel sick and sad right now. I feel emotionally worn out. And (in true form to myself), I feel like things couldn't get much worse right now. Obviously, that is silly and things could be so much worse then they are. I have money in the bank, the world's greatest support system, a job that I love, and all around, a life that I love. But I am so sad. The past week, I've had nights on Christa's lawn, talking and talking and talking, trying to make sense of the things around me. I've cried and gotten angry and just been completely ridiculous and overly emotional. I see myself from the outside and think, "When did I become this person who internalizes things so much?".

But there is a bigger part of me that wonders if it's really a bad thing that I take losing something that I love so personally. Maybe it's GOOD that I care so much. Maybe it shows that I have a heart, and that I don't just change my mind and change my mind and change my mind. If there is one quality about myself that I've always loved it is that I am fiercely loyal. I mean, I really do love the things and the people that I profess to loving. I am honest in my love. And the heartache and heartbreak of loss shows that I care. I can't pretend to be cold. I can't pretend to just not care about the things and people that I really do care about. The hurt cuts me to my soul. But at least I can love. And at least I can agree to stick by that love when the going gets tough. I think that's what sets me apart from other people. Trials and tribulations and conflict aren't the kind of thing that breaks me down easily. I think I believe that love never fails. I mean, love has proved to me over and over again that it does fail, but I want to believe that I am right.

The good news is that I'm okay. I will always be okay, because I am a whole person. I am not someone's other half. I am all me. I am not made up of another person, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I hold those that I love very closely.

This ambiguous ordeal (which I don't really feel the right to specify about on my online blog, because I believe that some things are sacred), has given me an enormous opportunity. In my lack of sleep, I have seen more sunrises, been able to feel more things, then I ever thought possible. Yesterday morning, I drove into the most beautiful Texas sunrise I have ever seen, windows down, listening to Brand New Colony, and feeling so profoundly sad, but also just so... alive. If heartache does anything, it is a constant reminder that I am very alive. I can feel things and see things and think things, and I don't want to numb my heartache through oversleeping or getting plastered at a bar. I just want to feel it.

I guess this is what being young is all about.

Love,
Molly

p.s- i have some of the most genuine, loving friends on the face of this earth.

It's the first day of spring
And my life is starting over again
The trees grow, the river flows
And its water will wash away my sins