I've been through some hard stuff in my life. I've been displaced and lonely during my two impulsive moves across-country. I've abandoned friends when they needed me. I've quit jobs, been in debt, seen family members get sick, and been at rock bottom with myself and those around me. During each of those events, I've thought that things couldn't get any worse. I feel sick and sad right now. I feel emotionally worn out. And (in true form to myself), I feel like things couldn't get much worse right now. Obviously, that is silly and things could be so much worse then they are. I have money in the bank, the world's greatest support system, a job that I love, and all around, a life that I love. But I am so sad. The past week, I've had nights on Christa's lawn, talking and talking and talking, trying to make sense of the things around me. I've cried and gotten angry and just been completely ridiculous and overly emotional. I see myself from the outside and think, "When did I become this person who internalizes things so much?".
But there is a bigger part of me that wonders if it's really a bad thing that I take losing something that I love so personally. Maybe it's GOOD that I care so much. Maybe it shows that I have a heart, and that I don't just change my mind and change my mind and change my mind. If there is one quality about myself that I've always loved it is that I am fiercely loyal. I mean, I really do love the things and the people that I profess to loving. I am honest in my love. And the heartache and heartbreak of loss shows that I care. I can't pretend to be cold. I can't pretend to just not care about the things and people that I really do care about. The hurt cuts me to my soul. But at least I can love. And at least I can agree to stick by that love when the going gets tough. I think that's what sets me apart from other people. Trials and tribulations and conflict aren't the kind of thing that breaks me down easily. I think I believe that love never fails. I mean, love has proved to me over and over again that it does fail, but I want to believe that I am right.
The good news is that I'm okay. I will always be okay, because I am a whole person. I am not someone's other half. I am all me. I am not made up of another person, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I hold those that I love very closely.
This ambiguous ordeal (which I don't really feel the right to specify about on my online blog, because I believe that some things are sacred), has given me an enormous opportunity. In my lack of sleep, I have seen more sunrises, been able to feel more things, then I ever thought possible. Yesterday morning, I drove into the most beautiful Texas sunrise I have ever seen, windows down, listening to Brand New Colony, and feeling so profoundly sad, but also just so... alive. If heartache does anything, it is a constant reminder that I am very alive. I can feel things and see things and think things, and I don't want to numb my heartache through oversleeping or getting plastered at a bar. I just want to feel it.
I guess this is what being young is all about.
Love,
Molly
p.s- i have some of the most genuine, loving friends on the face of this earth.
It's the first day of spring
And my life is starting over again
The trees grow, the river flows
And its water will wash away my sins
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
I'm on fire.
Lately I have been dealing with a bit of a hole in my soul. I can't explain what it is, but it's a very real and hurtful disappointment with my life at this point in time. Part of it comes out of my incurable boredness. No matter how busy I am or how full my time is (and at times, I am trying to juggle so many things, I can barely stand it. I am a very busy girl, even if I procrastinate with all of the things that I need to get done. In the end, my procrastination only makes me busier. I am constantly trying to keep up.), I feel bored. Even with all of the things that I am trying to do, I never really feel like it is what I want to be doing. I am almost never in the place that I want to be in.
Lately, I have been craving the desire to just be free. To hit the open road with my windows down, Iron & Wine blaring, nothing to be committed to. Lately it's a fire that is burning in my belly. Be free, be free, be free. The constant ennui of my life as of my late is deeply wearing me down. Last week I had the exact same routine four days in a row. Literally, I did the exact same thing day after day after day. Days full of responsibility, relentless phone calls, constant commitments to meet "So and So at the store off Spring Creek and The Tollway". My life is full of continual responsibilities. But I don't feel like I'm doing them TOWARDS anything. None of these things are actually getting me anywhere.
My work is a long string of "What If's?". Yeah, I might get promoted. Yeah, I might make more money. But there's no guarantee. I can work my ass off every day, all day (which I do), and there are absolutely no guarantees. Because, quite honestly, it's luck of the draw. It's very frustrating.
Once again, no guarantees. I can be in love and embrace love and live in love, but my boyfriend can't promise me that tomorrow morning he is going to wake up and still love me... just like I can't promise that to him. I can't absolutely swear up and down that I will always feel this way for another person, especially a person I've really only known for around a year. There's a reason that so many people advise me not to get married in my early 20s. People change dramatically. But, let's be real. People don't just change in their 20s. People change throughout their entire lives. Which I think is why so many people are unhappily married. Through the years, they have stayed with a person just because they are supposed to, but what do they have in common now, aside from joint bank accounts and children?
Mainly, I feel as though I am constantly waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to reinforce my abilities at work, waiting to want to be in school, waiting for my relationships to turn into magical experiences of spontaneity and joy. But life is hard and lately I feel very sad, very often. I believe it's best to be honest about these things, because I know I am not the only one. I never want to be someone who puts on a good face just to keep up the facade, Life is hard and difficult and heartbreaking. I am heartbroken from a profound feeling of disillusionment.
Pray for me.
Molly
Lately, I have been craving the desire to just be free. To hit the open road with my windows down, Iron & Wine blaring, nothing to be committed to. Lately it's a fire that is burning in my belly. Be free, be free, be free. The constant ennui of my life as of my late is deeply wearing me down. Last week I had the exact same routine four days in a row. Literally, I did the exact same thing day after day after day. Days full of responsibility, relentless phone calls, constant commitments to meet "So and So at the store off Spring Creek and The Tollway". My life is full of continual responsibilities. But I don't feel like I'm doing them TOWARDS anything. None of these things are actually getting me anywhere.
My work is a long string of "What If's?". Yeah, I might get promoted. Yeah, I might make more money. But there's no guarantee. I can work my ass off every day, all day (which I do), and there are absolutely no guarantees. Because, quite honestly, it's luck of the draw. It's very frustrating.
Once again, no guarantees. I can be in love and embrace love and live in love, but my boyfriend can't promise me that tomorrow morning he is going to wake up and still love me... just like I can't promise that to him. I can't absolutely swear up and down that I will always feel this way for another person, especially a person I've really only known for around a year. There's a reason that so many people advise me not to get married in my early 20s. People change dramatically. But, let's be real. People don't just change in their 20s. People change throughout their entire lives. Which I think is why so many people are unhappily married. Through the years, they have stayed with a person just because they are supposed to, but what do they have in common now, aside from joint bank accounts and children?
Mainly, I feel as though I am constantly waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to reinforce my abilities at work, waiting to want to be in school, waiting for my relationships to turn into magical experiences of spontaneity and joy. But life is hard and lately I feel very sad, very often. I believe it's best to be honest about these things, because I know I am not the only one. I never want to be someone who puts on a good face just to keep up the facade, Life is hard and difficult and heartbreaking. I am heartbroken from a profound feeling of disillusionment.
Pray for me.
Molly
Thursday, March 11, 2010
life is beautiful.
I've been thinking alot lately about what it means to be a woman. Most of my life I have fought back against every pre-feminist-movement cliche that I could. I didn't want to end up like all of the sad, empty housewives that live in Frisco, Texas (aka Stepford). I still don't want to end up like them. I still want to be young and free and alive, but I'm learning more and more that commitment doesn't necessarily have to take away from being a woman with feminist ideals and freedom. I don't want to be someone who is against traditionalism.... just because. I want to have reasons for everything. I want to have a balance in my life.
I want to "grow up" and have a family. I just do. I have tried to deny my whole life that it's something that I want, because I thought that it was "too cliche" for me. I thought that I wanted to live my whole life in a van, going from Point A to Point B, drinking wine in Italy, and swimming in the Caspian. I still want to do those things, but I don't want to do them alone. I want to do them with someone that I love, and I want to be able to come home from all of that to a warm bed and to food in the fridge. I want some sense of stability in my life. I want a sense that my life matters to other people, and that's it's not just all for me and for my sole sense of freedom and adventure and independence. That's so selfish. I want recipe boxes and oversized couch pillows. I want to do laundry and roast tomatoes. I want to make dinner, listening to Nina Simone and talking about my day with another person. Another person who cares. Roommates who can't understand and who only mildly care are not the same as a person who can hold you in bed at night.
And maybe this fantasy life will never really happen. And if it doesn't I will create my own beauty, surrounded by friends and good meals and beautiful art. I will surround myself with nieces and nephews and great family and fabulous music. Life is only as beautiful as you make it.
cest le vie!,
molly
I want to "grow up" and have a family. I just do. I have tried to deny my whole life that it's something that I want, because I thought that it was "too cliche" for me. I thought that I wanted to live my whole life in a van, going from Point A to Point B, drinking wine in Italy, and swimming in the Caspian. I still want to do those things, but I don't want to do them alone. I want to do them with someone that I love, and I want to be able to come home from all of that to a warm bed and to food in the fridge. I want some sense of stability in my life. I want a sense that my life matters to other people, and that's it's not just all for me and for my sole sense of freedom and adventure and independence. That's so selfish. I want recipe boxes and oversized couch pillows. I want to do laundry and roast tomatoes. I want to make dinner, listening to Nina Simone and talking about my day with another person. Another person who cares. Roommates who can't understand and who only mildly care are not the same as a person who can hold you in bed at night.
And maybe this fantasy life will never really happen. And if it doesn't I will create my own beauty, surrounded by friends and good meals and beautiful art. I will surround myself with nieces and nephews and great family and fabulous music. Life is only as beautiful as you make it.
cest le vie!,
molly
Monday, February 15, 2010
What it is
just in time for valentine's day...
It is madness
says reason
It is what it is
says love
It is unhappiness
says caution
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It has no future
says insight
It is what it is
says love
It is ridiculous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love
by Erich Fried
(translated from the German by Stuart Hood)
It is madness
says reason
It is what it is
says love
It is unhappiness
says caution
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It has no future
says insight
It is what it is
says love
It is ridiculous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love
by Erich Fried
(translated from the German by Stuart Hood)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
movie kisses
Really just too tired to be writing a blog right now, but on the drive home tonight, I was listening to Her Space Holiday and thinking about all of the people who were once in my life that are no longer in my life. Maybe I was just feeling nostalgic, with the lack of sleep and the rain and the meaningful indie techno music. But whatever it was, the sad truth that people come and go seemed more relevant to me then ever before.
I can count on one hand the number of people (outside of my immediate family) who have made a direct impact on my life. There was my childhood best friend (whom I no longer speak to, for reasons too complex to begin to describe). Also, I had a friend who I met through a series of coincidences and ended up to be my musical, book reading soul mate. We spent a couple of years at concerts and thrift stores and then parted ways due to distance and miscommunication. Of course, I also consider the boy that I loved in high school to have somewhat shaped who I have become today, because "that" person is quintessential in every girl's life, I think. He and I no longer speak because, quiet honestly, I have nothing to say to him anymore. We have nothing in common, and I don't really think that we ever had that much in common, but when you're 16, I suppose that trivial things become intoxicating and interesting. Too bad those things have to play such a big role in who we (or I) turn(ed) out to be. And lastly, there was a boy who I spent a sleepy summer with. There were record high temperatures that summer, and I thought he was the most profound, wonderful artist in the world. It turns out that he's just empty and sad. But, to be fair, I pretended to have expert taste in books and music to make him fall madly in love with me. So, I guess there was never really a shot. But, nevertheless, his outlook on the world impacted me dramatically.
And I don't talk to any of them anymore. I don't even have the desire to talk to them. But they all cross my mind occasionally, and I wonder how they are, and I wonder if I ran into them today, would we be able to sit down and have an amicable cup of coffee together? Would we still be able to debate which Death Cab album is the best? Would we even care? Probably not. There are so many other friends and crushes that I've had throughout my short life. People that I loved and cherished, people I shared picnics and concert tickets and road trips and late nights with. And I miss them. And it makes me so sad to recognize that as much as I miss those people, I don't think that road trips and picnics with them would be the same anymore.
In hindsight, I can see the relationships that I've had (and lost) as forming me, making me think about things differently. I hate to think that any of those people opted out of friendships with me, because I was the one who changed so drastically. It's just easier to think that all of them wanted me to stay with them and that I was too "progressive" to keep up the friendships and loves of my youth. But that's not true. Many times friends have been sick of me and I have been sick of them, and we both just threw up our hands and parted ways, going to spend time with current boyfriends and new co-workers. Life is so circular. I realize it more and more as I get older.
But maybe none of this is true. Maybe I just desperately need to get some sleep. I am so lucky to have had as much love in my life as I've had.
I can count on one hand the number of people (outside of my immediate family) who have made a direct impact on my life. There was my childhood best friend (whom I no longer speak to, for reasons too complex to begin to describe). Also, I had a friend who I met through a series of coincidences and ended up to be my musical, book reading soul mate. We spent a couple of years at concerts and thrift stores and then parted ways due to distance and miscommunication. Of course, I also consider the boy that I loved in high school to have somewhat shaped who I have become today, because "that" person is quintessential in every girl's life, I think. He and I no longer speak because, quiet honestly, I have nothing to say to him anymore. We have nothing in common, and I don't really think that we ever had that much in common, but when you're 16, I suppose that trivial things become intoxicating and interesting. Too bad those things have to play such a big role in who we (or I) turn(ed) out to be. And lastly, there was a boy who I spent a sleepy summer with. There were record high temperatures that summer, and I thought he was the most profound, wonderful artist in the world. It turns out that he's just empty and sad. But, to be fair, I pretended to have expert taste in books and music to make him fall madly in love with me. So, I guess there was never really a shot. But, nevertheless, his outlook on the world impacted me dramatically.
And I don't talk to any of them anymore. I don't even have the desire to talk to them. But they all cross my mind occasionally, and I wonder how they are, and I wonder if I ran into them today, would we be able to sit down and have an amicable cup of coffee together? Would we still be able to debate which Death Cab album is the best? Would we even care? Probably not. There are so many other friends and crushes that I've had throughout my short life. People that I loved and cherished, people I shared picnics and concert tickets and road trips and late nights with. And I miss them. And it makes me so sad to recognize that as much as I miss those people, I don't think that road trips and picnics with them would be the same anymore.
In hindsight, I can see the relationships that I've had (and lost) as forming me, making me think about things differently. I hate to think that any of those people opted out of friendships with me, because I was the one who changed so drastically. It's just easier to think that all of them wanted me to stay with them and that I was too "progressive" to keep up the friendships and loves of my youth. But that's not true. Many times friends have been sick of me and I have been sick of them, and we both just threw up our hands and parted ways, going to spend time with current boyfriends and new co-workers. Life is so circular. I realize it more and more as I get older.
But maybe none of this is true. Maybe I just desperately need to get some sleep. I am so lucky to have had as much love in my life as I've had.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
It's a new dawn.
Although, I would never consider myself to be a materialistic person, something has occured to me recently:
Although I'm not spending alot on things, I'm buying things alot.
Yeah, I buy my furniture on craigslist and alot of my clothes at trendy little vintage stores. But the point is that I want things that keep up the pretty picture of what I want my bohemian life to look like. I want the newest i*pod compatible vinyl player, indian print tapestries at west elm. I want oversized couches and dark wood coffee tables.
But is it really that I want all of these things... or do I just want the lifestyle that these things evoke? I love beautiful things, and I love pretty clothes. But the older I get, the more I come to accept that I might get these things over alot of time (and alot of hard work, busting it out at Starbucks), but what I really want is nights with friends around my Ikea Forhoja kitchen table. I want to spend late nights on my patio, listening to Van Morrison on my Ion portable PA system for i*pod. I want to go to pilates class , listening to my purple Zumreed headphones. But, who am I kidding? I'm a barista! It's comforting to realize that it's really the beautiful lifestyle that I crave versus the beautiful things. I can't pretend that it wouldn't all be a nice add-on, but for years I've bought and bought and bought, and it hasn't solved anything for me in a positive way. It's just made me worried about money, worried about things that are not worth being worried about. Why be worried when I can be spending those nights on patios... complete with good friends and good coffee and good music?
It is not that my life is not beautiful right now. It is. It is just that so much of my time is spent in a little bit of a fog. Waking up before 6:30am, 6 days a week is rough. But there are things that I signed up for when I took the prideful, "I can do it on my own" attitude, saying that I would support myself all on my own. My parents must have just smiled to themselves, when I was 18 and saying that I could move out, making $7 an hour at an indepedent coffee shop. Man, how far I have come!
I am learning to let go... and compartmentalize my life. For a long time, I was so concerned with this betterment of my life (my life, my life, me, me, me.... this was a very self centered, self serving time of my life), that I couldn't even enjoy the time that I spent with people that I loved and cared about. I couldn't even relax to read or watch a movie. I was just thinking about how I could pick up more and more hours at work. How I could get to this point and this point... this point where my life was going to be solved!
But my life is solved. And for the first time, I can let go and enjoy. I can watch a movie with my boyfriend, and truly not want to be anywhere else then exactly where I am at that time. I can actually stop and enjoy my job. Enjoy being with my co-workers and talking to my regulars. I can go to dinner with my girlfriends and eat stuffed crab legs and not stress out about how many sessions of pilates I'm going to need to do to make up for it.
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
Although I'm not spending alot on things, I'm buying things alot.
Yeah, I buy my furniture on craigslist and alot of my clothes at trendy little vintage stores. But the point is that I want things that keep up the pretty picture of what I want my bohemian life to look like. I want the newest i*pod compatible vinyl player, indian print tapestries at west elm. I want oversized couches and dark wood coffee tables.
But is it really that I want all of these things... or do I just want the lifestyle that these things evoke? I love beautiful things, and I love pretty clothes. But the older I get, the more I come to accept that I might get these things over alot of time (and alot of hard work, busting it out at Starbucks), but what I really want is nights with friends around my Ikea Forhoja kitchen table. I want to spend late nights on my patio, listening to Van Morrison on my Ion portable PA system for i*pod. I want to go to pilates class , listening to my purple Zumreed headphones. But, who am I kidding? I'm a barista! It's comforting to realize that it's really the beautiful lifestyle that I crave versus the beautiful things. I can't pretend that it wouldn't all be a nice add-on, but for years I've bought and bought and bought, and it hasn't solved anything for me in a positive way. It's just made me worried about money, worried about things that are not worth being worried about. Why be worried when I can be spending those nights on patios... complete with good friends and good coffee and good music?
It is not that my life is not beautiful right now. It is. It is just that so much of my time is spent in a little bit of a fog. Waking up before 6:30am, 6 days a week is rough. But there are things that I signed up for when I took the prideful, "I can do it on my own" attitude, saying that I would support myself all on my own. My parents must have just smiled to themselves, when I was 18 and saying that I could move out, making $7 an hour at an indepedent coffee shop. Man, how far I have come!
I am learning to let go... and compartmentalize my life. For a long time, I was so concerned with this betterment of my life (my life, my life, me, me, me.... this was a very self centered, self serving time of my life), that I couldn't even enjoy the time that I spent with people that I loved and cared about. I couldn't even relax to read or watch a movie. I was just thinking about how I could pick up more and more hours at work. How I could get to this point and this point... this point where my life was going to be solved!
But my life is solved. And for the first time, I can let go and enjoy. I can watch a movie with my boyfriend, and truly not want to be anywhere else then exactly where I am at that time. I can actually stop and enjoy my job. Enjoy being with my co-workers and talking to my regulars. I can go to dinner with my girlfriends and eat stuffed crab legs and not stress out about how many sessions of pilates I'm going to need to do to make up for it.
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
Monday, January 25, 2010
Hello, Dolly.
Dear friends and compatriots of the online blogging world,
I am back... after a long (and, I'm sure, heartbreaking) leave of absence. In the two and a half years that I have been gone from the blogging world, I have lived in three different states and worked three different jobs. I stopped going to school in order to "find myself" (Please excuse many of the cliches of my life. I will make no apologies for them. I like cliches.), but instead of finding myself, I really just ran out of money, lost friendships that I had worked at, and spent alot of time reading poetry in coffee shops. Or, perhaps, I am being too hard on myself. Maybe I learned more about myself then I thought. Maybe through all of this I have determined what is important to me, and what is not important to me, and that credit cards will lead you far, far into the temptation of Urban Outfitters. It's still hard to tell at this point in time.
And now, finally, I am ready to start over. I've come to a point of solidarity with my job. I think that there is a very small possibility that I might be ready to start being an adult. So, with the encouragement of my sister (and my friend, ashley, telling me that I am "made for blogging"), here goes nothing. A chronicle of someone who desperately needs and wants to grow up and is ready to start trying.
Peace to all,
Molly
I am back... after a long (and, I'm sure, heartbreaking) leave of absence. In the two and a half years that I have been gone from the blogging world, I have lived in three different states and worked three different jobs. I stopped going to school in order to "find myself" (Please excuse many of the cliches of my life. I will make no apologies for them. I like cliches.), but instead of finding myself, I really just ran out of money, lost friendships that I had worked at, and spent alot of time reading poetry in coffee shops. Or, perhaps, I am being too hard on myself. Maybe I learned more about myself then I thought. Maybe through all of this I have determined what is important to me, and what is not important to me, and that credit cards will lead you far, far into the temptation of Urban Outfitters. It's still hard to tell at this point in time.
And now, finally, I am ready to start over. I've come to a point of solidarity with my job. I think that there is a very small possibility that I might be ready to start being an adult. So, with the encouragement of my sister (and my friend, ashley, telling me that I am "made for blogging"), here goes nothing. A chronicle of someone who desperately needs and wants to grow up and is ready to start trying.
Peace to all,
Molly
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