I'm on fire.

Lately I have been dealing with a bit of a hole in my soul. I can't explain what it is, but it's a very real and hurtful disappointment with my life at this point in time. Part of it comes out of my incurable boredness. No matter how busy I am or how full my time is (and at times, I am trying to juggle so many things, I can barely stand it. I am a very busy girl, even if I procrastinate with all of the things that I need to get done. In the end, my procrastination only makes me busier. I am constantly trying to keep up.), I feel bored. Even with all of the things that I am trying to do, I never really feel like it is what I want to be doing. I am almost never in the place that I want to be in.

Lately, I have been craving the desire to just be free. To hit the open road with my windows down, Iron & Wine blaring, nothing to be committed to. Lately it's a fire that is burning in my belly. Be free, be free, be free. The constant ennui of my life as of my late is deeply wearing me down. Last week I had the exact same routine four days in a row. Literally, I did the exact same thing day after day after day. Days full of responsibility, relentless phone calls, constant commitments to meet "So and So at the store off Spring Creek and The Tollway". My life is full of continual responsibilities. But I don't feel like I'm doing them TOWARDS anything. None of these things are actually getting me anywhere.

My work is a long string of "What If's?". Yeah, I might get promoted. Yeah, I might make more money. But there's no guarantee. I can work my ass off every day, all day (which I do), and there are absolutely no guarantees. Because, quite honestly, it's luck of the draw. It's very frustrating.

Once again, no guarantees. I can be in love and embrace love and live in love, but my boyfriend can't promise me that tomorrow morning he is going to wake up and still love me... just like I can't promise that to him. I can't absolutely swear up and down that I will always feel this way for another person, especially a person I've really only known for around a year. There's a reason that so many people advise me not to get married in my early 20s. People change dramatically. But, let's be real. People don't just change in their 20s. People change throughout their entire lives. Which I think is why so many people are unhappily married. Through the years, they have stayed with a person just because they are supposed to, but what do they have in common now, aside from joint bank accounts and children?

Mainly, I feel as though I am constantly waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to reinforce my abilities at work, waiting to want to be in school, waiting for my relationships to turn into magical experiences of spontaneity and joy. But life is hard and lately I feel very sad, very often. I believe it's best to be honest about these things, because I know I am not the only one. I never want to be someone who puts on a good face just to keep up the facade, Life is hard and difficult and heartbreaking. I am heartbroken from a profound feeling of disillusionment.

Pray for me.

Molly